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A friend of mine who is getting married in a few weeks time was talking about her recent dental work. She had paid out a large sum of money (she gestured with her arms reaching as wide apart as they could!) for some significant cosmetic dentistry – something that she thought she would never do. What had surprised her and made a very big impact on her decision was the way that the dentist related to her. He had talked not in terms of the problems with her teeth of which there were many, but of her right to have a beautiful smile on her wedding day and beyond. She felt that at last someone really understood what was important to her. There was apparently a picture of a huge smile on the dentist’s wall that had made a big impression on her.

Relating to our deepest needs

What is significant about that is that this dentist had influenced her into a decision which having taken she was delighted with but more importantly had related to her at the deepest level of what was important to her at this time. How often does that happen? – Not often enough in my opinion. So often sales and business people rely on what is referred to in the structure of language as the surface structure; the already known information, whereas the deepest most significant needs (our personal truth) lie at the deepest structure – often beyond what we consciously know for ourselves. The deep structure of our experience contains what we really mean, really want, really experience, really feel and really need.

These deepest level needs are often distorted, generalised or even deleted from our conscious awareness – not surprising therefore that how people relate to us often does not address the real issues. But when they do – it can be like the most spectacular and profound firework display (well that is how it is for me!)

How do we discover those deepest needs

It is quite simple really and yet my experience is that we often just don’t use the skill or take the time.

1. Be curious as to what underpins someone’s expressed need.
2. Ask for their outcomes ..."What do you (really) want from this …?"
Keep your language clean as you ask e.g., In what way …? What is important about that for you …..? What is that like …….? (None of these questions contain any sensory filters e.g., What does that look, sound or feel like? So you are not leading ...)
3. Note that if someone answers without looking away at all then they are probably answering with surface level information (i.e., they did not need to process the question and therefore are giving you only consciously known information)
4. Give space and time to think – silence is the cleanest question there is! Alternatively just ask …."And…?"
5. Mirror back the exact key words of the other person – they will have a unique significance to them and using them indicates that you honour that and you honour them.
6. Note that when you address a core need you will typically see a change in state of the person e.g., skin tone and tension will change in some way, breathing will vary and posture will shift. Be sensitive to any changes.
7. Be open to feedback with everything that you say and do.
8. When we relate to people at the deepest level of their experience we create an atmosphere of trust, respect and influence.

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