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My accountant and I recently decide that we could no longer work together. Well, I was prepared to give our working relationship another go but he was not. That doesn't say much for my rapport building skills and I have to admit that I was expecting him to show flexibility in thinking and behaving when there were other times when I most definitely was not. One of the things that I love about NLP is that it helps us to understand the unique culture of the person, the team, the company, the community and the country with which we are dealing at the time. The problem with my accountant and I was that I wanted him to work with my culture. Not unrealistic you might think, but there really has to be a bit of give and take on both ideas I realise retrospectively, and I felt it at the time - that was the experience of two cultures colliding when they might have dovetailed.

How did our cultures differ? I have values around immediacy. 'Do it now' is a key phrase for me in the way I consult, coach and run my business. So when I send an e-mail I do expect a reply by return, at most within 24 hours - and a letter 10 days later does not do it for me. This accountant has a new telephone system that always replies with the message 'You are in a queue'. For someone who is often phoning in from a mobile phone this is not the reply that most warms my heart. I have values around framing - I like to know who I am going to be working with and who I can expect to see in my office when I arrive. I like to know if a figure is an estimate or an actual - especially when what turns out to be the estimate is three times the amount on the actual. I like to keep my heart beating at a relatively constant rate! And I value ownership so when a member of the accountancy team blames the post for a letter not arriving on time I am not impressed. You may tell from my language and my expression that I was not consistently viewing this situation and how it was developing from a neutral third position!

And what of their values? Detail and accuracy are important, so my replies that started with the words 'Well I think it was about... didn't do too much to build deep rapport. I realise now that when I accused them of taking weeks to reply to a query that I had and they pointed out that it was not weeks but 10 days to be exact that we had different thinking styles. I should have seen the signs. When I first visited their offices and asked for a map of one of the versions I was given was an Ordnance Survey map. Not quite a match for my big chunk thinking. However, it is just that accuracy and attention to detail that I naturally lack, that I look for in someone else, but everything in context. I am as guilty as anyone of using inappropriately the talents that I have. One of the tell tale signs is when I get a light kick under the dinner table from my husband when I have used some of the meta-model questioning skills in a social conversation with friends (well they were friends then!).

I have a lot to learn. One of my colleagues challenged me with his CUSSUP theory - 'Every customer is a supplier and every supplier is a customer'. The principle behind this theory is that we treat them all the same. I should have known this - I have often expounded my views on the importance of rapport at all times and not just for sales. I did know this but for some reason I chose to make my accountant the exception to the rule. 'We teach what we need the most'. By giving feedback in a state of rapport, I could have helped my accountants to develop their business just as by doing so I would have made it easier for them to give me the advice that I needed to develop my business. And of course at a completely different level I am doing an immense amount of learning that may never have occurred if we had not had all these problems.

I so often experience people who expect others to be a perfect match from the beginning of a relationship. And yet I know that what I have with my husband comes from our perseverance to work through our differences that are such a source of entertainment and learning in the conversations we have. When we met years ago I remember my husband saying in one of our early dates when there was an uncomfortable silence - 'maybe this is the watershed'. Fortunately we did not give up at that point and what we have is rich as a result.

I wish I had stopped and taken stock sooner with my accountant but I didn't and now is too late. I did not apply my 'Do it now' policy when I needed it most. I will however send him a copy of this article and I do expect us to dine together as friends.

Does anyone know a good accountant?

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Sue Knight is an international consultant. Her work consists of writing, one to one coaching, talks and leadership consultancy. She is author of several books including NLP at Work, NLP Solutions and Leadership from the Heart manual of exercises for leaders. You can up to date news of her work and thoughts on her web page www.SueKnight.co.uk.

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