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"I was able to almost triple my income in just 30 days as a result of working with Christopher Howard. Not only did the work we did together impact my financial future, but he assisted me in finding my life’s purpose. I am more on track and excited about life then ever before."

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Some different approaches and finding one that works for you.

Goal setting - you know the theory, you do the exercises but somehow you are not achieving quite the goals that you want. Well, NLP is after all about what really makes a difference - so what does?

I have been working with goals - both my own and those of others for over twenty years now, and I think that I am beginning to work it out (so it need not take you so long!). As always the answers are very simple, 'just common sense', many people would say but it is our lack of skill in applying common sense that is so often the stopper. So here are some of my findings. And I write this at a time when the pool that I had dreamt about for years is being built in our home on a hillside in the heart of France.

I don't have many material goals - in fact none apart from this one, which has been close to my heart for many years now. I had always imagined myself writing my blockbusting best seller as I sat by the side of the pool, wine glass to my side, a pile of previously published books on the table, and the sound of my family splashing in the water beside me.

But you know, I thought that I would have had this pool years ago, and that it would be twice the size. I thought that 'my family' would be our immediate sons and daughters, not our grandchildren (we haven't quite got to that stage yet but I have a feeling that day is not too far away). I should have got the clue from my unconscious imaginings about the timing - the pile of previously published books was a give away. It is only now that I could create anything resembling a pile. It would have been a pile of one a few years ago. And most significant of all, it was only when I had given up the idea that I was ever going to get this pool that somehow, and for some reason, my husband agreed to it.

So the first principles of goal setting:

1. We cannot expect to achieve our goals in precisely the way that we think we want them.

We might achieve this, but so often I have found that when my goal has been achieved it is in another form and another time, but in a way that really does fit with everyone who is important in my life. (I had set my heart on a kidney shaped pool but my family said that they could not race up and down a kidney!). We keep our goals at arms length when we have them in the category of 'must haves'. When we let go of what we must have is when we set ourselves free to achieve what we really want. The secret behind of much of life's real achievements is paradoxical e.g. we need to give (up) to receive.

Throughout last year I worked closely with the board of a marketing company, coaching them to work as a 'real' team and to be an aligned example of the culture that they wanted in their business. One of the stumbling blocks in this was that the two founding managing directors had 'fallen out' and found it increasingly difficult not only to deal with each other but even to talk to each other. I often saw them individually but it was on one of the rare occasions that I did see them interact with each other that the issue became astoundingly clear.

They had quite different ways of setting goals. Each thought that the other was being 'bloody minded' when they did not respond in the way that each wanted. Those of you who are familiar with the concept of meta-programmes (I prefer to call them filters in a business setting) will understand the issue here. Each had a different way of thinking, and therefore of communicating, especially in the way that they approached goal setting.

One was very skilled at placing himself at some point in the future and imaging what he would be seeing, hearing and feeling. When he did this he invited his joint MD to do the same but his response was usually something of the order of 'there is no way that we can do that if we are not aligned - we must get that straight first'. The first MD (let's call him Jim) would get frustrated thinking that 'Bill' was just being difficult.

But the truth was that Bill did not think this way. Bill likes his goals to unfold from a state of alignment. I am quite partial to this style of goal realisation too. You get clear what you stand for in terms of your purpose in business, indeed in life. You sort out your mission, and you open yourself to the values that you want to be an example of, and how they compare with how you are perceived day by day, moment by moment. In this state of oneness with yourself and the world you walk through the ever-changing environments of which you are a part. In this state you attract those opportunities that fit with who you are.

And most important of all you are in the state not only in which to recognise the opportunities but also to seize them, or open yourself to them, if you prefer the gentler approach. Of course once they discovered that these were just 'different' ways of thinking and that neither was deliberately trying to sabotage the other. Then they accepted each other and began to work together, dovetailing their thinking and their strategies and business planning. More than that they rediscovered their friendship.

2. We have different preferences for how we think about our goals.

Some people do like to step out into the future and imagine what they can see, hear and feel. Others prefer to align themselves with what they believe is important in the world, and walk forward allowing their goals to unfold. These two approaches are not contradictory but can dovetail each other beautifully once we accept that we have our own unique ways of thinking about goals. Isn't that one of the most important learnings in NLP, and isn't that yet another paradox - that to create the space for others to change, we need to learn how to accept them for just who (and how) they are?

And then just yesterday I was coaching a couple who want to invest in the way they build on their marriage. They are faced with the issues of having sold a very successful business and having the choice of how they spend the rest of their lives. (Wouldn't you just love to have that issue to deal with!)

They told me the story of the man who filled a jar with big rocks, small pebbles and gravel. The man filling the jar put the big rocks in first, the small pebbles after and the gravel last. The person watching him asked him why he did it that way and the man replied 'that way I can get the most in the jar'. 'Big rocks first. If I had put the gravel and the small pebbles in first there would not have been room for the big rocks'.

And so it is with life. This couple called yesterday their 'big rocks' day when they wanted to make time for the big decisions in their lives. And even so, having started thinking about the 'big rocks' which included being equal partners in their lives together it turned out that it was through commitment to the small pebbles that the progress came.

If our goals are to do with our qualities and our relationships then how come we don't have these things already if they are so important? Well the answer is that we have not developed the day to day habits that are characteristic of having achieved these goals. So for example, the wife in this couple admitted that she found it hard to receive feedback. If it was, in her perception, given in any way critically, then she would bounce it back and respond with a huff. So the behaviour that was a microcosm of the bigger goal was a need to commit to being open to feedback, however it was given and a commitment to respond with questions and curiosity.

If she could do that then she would be developing a 'pebble like' habit that characterised the bigger goal. Her first response to the idea of being always open to feedback was to say that she wanted to think about that. Now this is a key point in goal setting and in the commitment to goals. If you can't commit now to the 'pebbles' then there is no way that you will be en route to achieving the 'big rocks'. It is now or never. 'Tomorrow' or 'later' will always be 'tomorrow' or 'later'.

This is where a good coach comes in handy. A good coach keeps you on the hook till you either make the commitment or let the goal go. If you did not have the habit of delaying commitment to the behaviour that is characteristic of this goal then you would already have achieved the goal. But the truth is that the goals are things that you do not yet have, often because you do not have the characteristic moment by moment habits. So you might ask yourself - 'what the habits that I need to commit to NOW that are a metaphor for the bigger goal'. Am I willing to commit to them and 'do it now'. If not, let the goal go and set your mind to something else.

3. Find the behavioural habit that characterises the bigger goal that you want in life (chunk down in NLP terms) and decide whether you will commit to learning this habit or let the goal go. Do it now, there is no other time for this. We have only the present. The future is always the future.

And finally, it is how we think about our goals that makes our life today exactly what it is. We are already wealthy and have all that we will ever want if we choose to think about it just that way.

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